Allah is a Bigger Dick Than Your God



So I recently read this post about the biggest Dick moves done by God and thought to myself that the Muslim god (Mr. Allah) has done some major douchebag moves himself.

Now, I don’t know if all the Abrahamic religions worship the same entity or not and we could go on in circles discussing this but regardless if they do or not I thought of listing the Biggest Dick moves of the deity I grew up being forced to acknowledge as a god.

So here we go and I do hope to impress… er emmm I mean allah impresses!

1-We have no clue what the brother looks like: When you look up images of god on line or off line you mainly get the old man with a white beard and a majestic appearance (that aint allah BTW.) Or You get The Middle Eastern featured, nailed to a cross with blood dripping Jesus. Well, that isn’t him either. So what does the all mighty allah look like then?

Sorry guys, but we will never get a chance to see him/her/it/they as allah forbids us from even attempting to imagine what he/she/it/they looks like. No pictures allowed! all pictures/images are (haram) in Islam by order of the faceless deity. Why else do you think Muslims lose their minds when certain cartoons surface??

2- Breathes Jesus into Mary. Gives Mary an EXCRUCIATING labor by a date tree, alone: The claim is he supported her after she conceived and withdrew from everything and everyone she knew. He supported her during all stages of pregnancy but when it came to labor he cut her off.

Well, sort of…

He did help her out by ordering her to shake the date tree to get three dates as she delivers her baby and use the stream between her feet. This is after she said this “”Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.” (surat Maryam 19:23)

Wow, talk about love and support.

3- Kills Noahs son right in front of him; tells Noah “he wasn’t your family so don’t ask about that”: (Surah Hud: 25–49) Tells the story of Noah (the guy with the ark) and how his people did not heed his command to follow Allah. So, after refusing to provide Noah with any evidence to back up his claims the unbelievers were drowned in a flood. This included Noah’s son. When Noah asked allah about this act, allah called him ignorant and told him that his son is “not a member of his family.”

Then to top it all off, he says that Noah’s wife is an unbeliever burning in hell and that she was unfaithful to her husband. (Al Tahrim 66:10)

Murder, drowning, genocide, burning , disowning, and infidelity diagnosing seem to be allah’s speciality.

4-Moses seeks guidance from Khidr who kills an innocent boy because he was a disbelieving son to believing parents. Hopes that allah will replace him with a better son (Al- Kahf 18;74-18:81) Such compassion, love an understanding are exhibited here….NOT. Moses learned from his mentor how to punish an innocent child by execution for a crime he had yet to commit? For a choice he was going to make for his own self because allah said so.

5- Randomly curses disobedient people and turns them to apes:  So when they were insolent about that which they had been forbidden, We said to them, “Be apes, despised.” (Surah 7:166) The disobedient people were Jewish fishermen who broke their Holy day and went fishing on the Sabbath day because allah was testing them by only making fish appear on that one day.

Screw it, who needs to eat right?

6- Allah gloats about atrocities he commits: (Yunus 10:13) “And We had already destroyed generations before you when they wronged, and their messengers had come to them with clear proofs, but they were not to believe. Thus do we recompense the criminal people.”

Not believing is a crime in allah’s eyes worthy of genocide. Can you say deranged lunatic?

7- Yunus (Jonah) gets fed up with his people, takes a break from them. Allah has him thrown off a ship and swallowed by a whale; Now here is an impossible situation. Allah put him in charge of people who simply refused to believe (see a pattern here?) The poor man becomes depressed and takes a vacation on a ship. Not only does allah near kill all of his people and scare them shitless into believing but then he turns around and punishes Jonah for leaving.

Swallowed by a whale, in complete darkness and amazingly alive he calls for allah’s forgiveness and allah says O.K. and the whale vomits him out.

(21:87) “And [mention] the man of the fish, when he went off in anger and thought that We would not decree [anything] upon him. And he called out within the darknesses, “There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.”

Messed up right?

8- Allah tells Muslims to break contract with mushrikeen (polytheists) and KILL THEM ALL. (First page of Surah Tawba- the only surah without “Bismillah” since mass murder is kind of not merciful or gracious). Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

9-Has a Love/Hate relationship with the female gender. Also views them as a prize or objects: Where to start with this one? try this essential information provided in (2:221-2:240) all you need to know about bleeding women, breastfeeding times/duration, how long for women to abstain after the husbands death…etc. Then here you see the worth of a woman (2:282) which is half that of a man. “Allah instructs you concerning your children: for the male, what is equal to the share of two females.” (4:11)

Man can marry 2-3-4 women or slaves (4:3)

Allah is so obsessed with women he wrote an entire surah and called it (women). Here is the punishment of lewd women “Those who commit unlawful sexual intercourse of your women – bring against them four [witnesses] from among you. And if they testify, confine the guilty women to houses until death takes them or Allah ordains for them [another] way.” (4:15)

Also, men are in charge of women “Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.” (4:34)

Women are filthy “And if ye are sick or on a journey, or one of you cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it.” (5-6)

Women are a prize “They will be reclining on thrones lined up, and We will marry them to fair women with large, [beautiful] eyes.” (52:20)

Lot prostitutes his daughters and gives his blessing for them to be raped 

I would go on but I am starting to get nauseous…

10- Last but not least; My personal favourite on the obligation of warfare: (2:216) “Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not.”

And there you have it! A small list of why Allah is a bigger dick and Islam is not a religion of peace.

(Much thanks for EXMNA members for the great references and collaborative efforts.)


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