Voices

Advice to my former Muslim self (Part 1)

You will be fine Sophiya. You will be fine without Allah. And without His love, and without praying to Him all the time. You will be fine, trust me. Because you do have the love of your family and of your friends and you have yourself. And trust me, you can live life the way you want to – trust me, you can try and materialize your desire to be with that cute guy in your class – you can do it and you don’t need to fear that Allah will worsen your life as a punishment.

I know this all sounds insane, I know you probably feel like slapping me right now, I know I sound like the the devil’s messenger. I even know that Allah is often all you have, that it gives you so much strength to just believe that when everyone leaves you…there is still some higher being (who is better than anyone else) who is there for you. But trust me – trust me when I say that once you completely believe in yourself and rely on yourself and trust yourself, you will no longer need Him so much and fear Him so much. You will no longer fear losing Him.

Look around you, Sophiya. Look around yourself and see that sometimes you do not need a higher being, you do not need the unseen and the unreal, or the intangible. Look around yourself and see that sometimes all you need is the things that are real and can be seen. Like the colours of autumn, the crushing sound of autumn leaves, to hold yourself – tightly – while lying on those fallen leaves. Sometimes, yes, that is all you need. And I know it’s difficult for you to hear all of this, I know that you feel Allah will be angry with you for hearing all this. I also know that you are completely vulnerable in regards to your relationship with Allah – I know you feel that only He can love you but I feel that you can love yourself as well. I am not asking you to abandon your relationship with Allah – I am asking you only to love yourself. I hope you will.

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